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Movie Reviews

The Book of Clarence (2024)

An ASS Review

By Christopher Castillo

I think Kevin Smith ‘bout to sue somebody!

The Book of Clarence just released this week and does in fact draw some inspiration from several different sources. One being the aforementioned 1999 Kevin Smith Film Dogma, where Chris Rock played the underappreciated 13th apostle Rufus. The Book of Clarence takes place in a world where presumably only two races exist. You are either the always in power, oppressive and evil White Man or you are the forever downtrodden, oppressed, forced to struggle for everything Black man. Yes, this is a bible story where all Jewish and Arab people are erased from existence. Clarence himself is an Atheist, drug dealing, loser who hits rock bottom and comes up with a plan to become a competing messiah to Jesus of Nazareth. He preaches a gospel of Atheism mixed with a bit of Gnosticism and quickly gains a massive following.

Needles to say, I found the movie to be outrageous. I walked in expecting a comedy farce, not unlike Monty Python’s Life of Brian. But the movie played things completely straight, as in, it’s not a comedy. So this movie is more Last Temptation of Christ than Life of Brian. This film feels like the filmmakers struggle with the faith in their hearts and the Atheism in their mind played out on screen. Maybe many people will identify with what this film is slinging. I think this movie is more likely to confuse the hell out of people and not in a good way. In my opinion this film fails to do what it set out to do and I give The Book of Clarence a big fat Blasphemous 0/10. If you have seen this movie and disagree with me. Please send all of your hate mail and death threats to arnieradio1@gmail.com

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The Book of Clarence
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The Beekeeper (2024)

An ASS Review

By Christopher Castillo

Jason Statham is at his absolute best in this all new feature film The Beekeeper.

<Minor Spoilers Ahead> Or are they?

Kindly old woman, Clair Huxtable is living alone after her husband Cliff is sent to prison, her son Theo a war hero died in Iraq and her daughter Rudy always busy at her job working for the FBI. She takes in a relative stranger, gives him shelter. In return he cares for the grounds and pays her in honey that he makes from his many bee hives. But everything comes crashing down when Mrs. Huxtable is scammed by a fraudulent call center owned by Hunter and his mom, Hilersheph R. Blinton a high ranking US politician. Clair loses everything. Turns out, her friend the Beekeeper is not your average Beekeeper… He’s mad and he’s on a mission to dispense righteous justice.

This movie may be absolutely insane. But it’s awesome! In my opinion this is Jason Statham’s best movie ever. 9/10 Badass movie rating

Beekeeper
The Beekeeper
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Night Swim

An ASS Review

By Christopher Castillo

I came out of Night Swim convinced that this film was made on a dare. The way I see it, is that one night a group of drunken filmmakers were taking turns trying to come up with the worst possible premise for a movie. Eventually settling on a movie about a haunted swimming pool. They drew straws and the shortest one was contractually obligated to write and direct a film about a damn haunted swimming pool.

Are you ready for the funniest part? The movie isn’t half as bad as the plot would have you assume. This may be the absolute dumbest premise for a movie I’ve seen in a minute. But the people working on this project gave it their absolute best. Acting, photography, writing, special effects were all on point. I really have no complaints about this film. It’s only real sin being that it’s a horror movie about a HAUNTED SWIMMING POOL. This movie gets an A for effort, but a 7/10 is the absolute best score I can give to a movie about a swimming pool that kills you.

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Night Swim
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The Color Purple (2023)

An ASS Review

By Christopher Castillo

The Color Purple (2023)

Today I left the theater in utter shock.

The 1985 Spielberg film The Color Purple is a powerful story of perseverance and faith through adversity, hardship and pain. The 2023 version basically tells the same story… But it’s a musical? “What’s wrong with that?” You may ask. Everything. Absolutely everything is wrong with turning this story into a musical.

Our Story begins with our main character Celie a 14-year-old girl, giving birth to her second child that she had out of incestual rape from her own father. A father who “gets rid of” those children, sells Celie to be married off to a man who was at first interested in Celie’s younger sister Nettie.

Now imagine a West Side Story style song and dance number immediately following that. I had to go get fitted for a neck brace after that cinematic whiplash. I felt dirty watching this movie. What’s next, are they going to do a remake of Schindler’s List as a musical? Even if the song and dance numbers are excellent, I would still feel the same.

I have no choice but to give This movie a 0/10. Not because the performances were bad, in fact the actors are all fantastic. But this version of The Color Purple is just broken at a fundamental level.

The Color Purple
The Color Purple
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The Iron Claw (2023)

An ASS Review

By Christopher Castillo

The Iron Claw

I finally got the chance to go see The Iron Claw, the film that tells the tragic story of the legendary Von Erich family. The film takes a few liberty’s with the source material and real life events but these changes are done very deliberately for the betterment of the film as a complete story.

The Iron Claw was a fantastic film. The cast and direction do the Von Erichs justice. The movie grabs you early and doesn’t let go. You feel the highs and lows, the struggles and triumphs as you follow the Von Erichs through their years in the wrestling business. I very much loved this film. Who knew that The Iron Claw, known to me as the absolute worst wrestling finisher of all time, would now become the greatest wrestling film ever made. I give the film The Iron Claw a 9/10 Amazing Movie rating. But as far as the actual wrestling move itself, an Iron Claw is still lamer than an Abdominal Stretch and less effective than a Samoan Spike.

Iron Claw
The Iron Claw
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Maestro (2023)

An ASS Review

By Christopher Castillo

Maestro

This week’s movie is the Bradley Cooper directed and starred film Maestro, a biopic about acclaimed composer and orchestral conductor Leonard Bernstein.

Talk about an absolute waste of time and energy. Would you like to spend two hours watching a film about a man live as comfortable and carefree a life as one could ask for? If Leonard Bernstein ever had to work or struggle for anything in his life, they don’t bother showing it here. A lucky break in his early days is the catalyst for a long, storied and world famous career. He meets his lifelong loving wife whom he has a wonderful family with. All the while living as a closeted homosexual. The arrangement, having little to no effect for most of his marriage and public life. What was the point of this movie? To inspire us with his music perhaps. NO! This movie features almost NO MUSIC! No, I think this film was simply meant to stroke the Ego’s of all involved. Do not waste your time with this masturbatory Oscar bait trash. Maestro gets a 2/10 Garbage movie rating.

Maestro
Maestro
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